Notes on modern life update

When I started this blog it was partly to try to understand why my life, and the lives of my friends, had turned out to be so different from our parents'. We seemed to be the generation that failed, with relationships that didn't last and values that didn't quite fit with the middle-class English upbringing we had all had. When I wrote about my parents and their friends at my wedding I could see them in my minds eye - couples who seemed to have been together forever, who had brought up children in a traditional way, who had owned family homes in suburban streets and had considered education, manners and a sense of duty to be the important things in life. Their lives had seemed so gentle, predictable and stable in comparison to ours - for them there was none of the trauma of divorce, none of the complications of step-families, none of the betrayal of trust. And I suppose I had partly envied the fact that they did not seem to have needed to be so independent, so self-sufficient, so thick skinned as we have needed to be.
But since my wedding something has changed. My parents are no longer young and in the last six months several of those friends who were at my wedding have died.
In September my Dad's oldest friend died. He had been terminally ill with cancer for many years so it was not unexpected. But still it was a shock. Then, within a few weeks, another friend died of cancer, this time it was unexpected leaving the family unable to quite believe that he was no longer there. A month later and another death, an operation that hadn't gone quite to plan but again a death ultimately due to cancer.
We always believe that bad news comes in threes and so my parents hoped that they would not be attending another funeral for a while. But yesterday they heard that another friend has cancer and test results have shown that there is no hope of treatment. She is only 56.
For my parents these are a sobering reminder that life does not last forever. For me I realise how precious life is and how quickly it passes. I refuse to dwell on times when life has not been as it should - it has made me what I am and has given me the strength to deal with whatever the future holds and has also made me appreciate the times when things are good. It is inescapable and one day I know that I too will have to deal with a personal loss but perhaps having led lives that have proved more challenging we will be better equipped to cope with it. Or maybe not, only time will tell.

A favourite place

I am looking forward to returning to Salt's Mill next week, it is one of my favourite places. When I think of it I think of the way its history seems to invade the building, giving it a timeless quality which is very humbling. The sense of space there is awe inspiring - brick built and cavernous with the sort of dimensions that remind me of the vast cathedrals built centuries ago. But unlike any Cathedral this was a place built for industry, it does not hide behind a facade of gilt and fancy finishes but displays its rough edges proudly. But most of all I think of the smell of brick and dust and heady scented air emanating from the sculptural vases of white lilies. And as in the past I will pause a while, aware that I am just one of many who have stood in this building, and feel privileged to be in such a magnificent place.

The laws of attraction

Someone at work asked "What makes a man attractive?". There came to mind all the throwaway radio-poll answers such as a tight bum, a nice smile, lovely eyes, but for me it is less about the physical and more about the cerebral. And more than anything what makes a man attractive is how he makes me feel when I am with him.
I have to admit I have always had a thing about older men. I find the vanity of youth very off-putting, but there is something very alluring about a man whose imperfections and ageing show that he has lived a full life and could teach me a thing or two! Experience and the desire to slowly enjoy every moment (after all, why the hurry?) are a heady mix for me. And, despite being a modern woman with an independent life and a good career, I have to admit that the sense of being in control that an older man brings to a relationship is enough to make me weak at the knees. It is not that I want to be patronised or treated like a child but if I don't have to worry about the detail, such as booking hotels or restaurants, then I feel more able to concentrate on being the glamourous and feminine woman I am sure I could be!