Modern Life (Again)!

I feel like I am hurtling downhill towards a precipice. Life is good and I desperately want to hold onto each day, to make time go slower so that I can enjoy every precious moment, but it feels like I am holding sand and the tighter I try to hold on the more it slips through my fingers.

A dream fulfilled

Many years ago, when life was difficult, my friend offered an escape. He dreamt of buying a boat and suggested that we could live on it away from the lives that we were leading then. We would live off the coast of some Greek island and in summer he could take tourists out on trips, and in winter we could hibernate in the shelter of some small Greek harbour. A simple, idyllic life.

Of course I was tempted, but I felt tied to the life I had. But when days felt really tough, the idea that I had this other option helped me through.

Now life is good, and I have no need to wish for an escape, but I felt immense pleasure as I stood yesterday and looked at the shell of a boat he has bought. It may be many years later, the boat may need a lot of work, and it may never find its way to that Greek island but I know it is a dream finally fulfilled.

Confessions of a Contol Freak

One December evening I poured myself a glass of wine and started to dismantle the Christmas Tree. Hours before, my husband and son had stood proudly next to the tree, which they had managed to locate in the loft, to show me the efforts they had gone to with tinsel and baubles. And I had tried to live with it, I really had, but the fact remained that they had mixed in purple and silver with gold and red, the tinsel wasn't entirely even, and the baubles were just hanging wrong. So down it all came, and hours later it was redecorated correctly.
I have always thought that I am quite laid back, but slowly it is dawning on me that perhaps I am a bit of a control freak. I see each day as a timetable and my life as a task list, and I do not cope well with things that break the routine. When I discovered that my morning digestives were actually chocolate digestives I was sent into a severe stress that my normal routine had been changed. And the idea of putting mismatching pillowcases with the duvet, or eating with mismatching cutlery, just sends me over the edge.
In my defence, being in control is my way of dealing with a busy life with as little thought as possible. And with the routine taken care of, sometimes, just sometimes, I can concentrate on being spontaneous, escaping the routine, having an adventure. After all, when I get home from living a bit closer to the edge, I will know that we still have enough toilet roll in the house, food for packed lunches, and school uniform washed.

A little privacy, please!

You meet someone, fall in love and imagine that life together will be one long private moment on a beautiful, warm, secluded beach. Well actually, you don't because none of us are foolish enough to imagine that life will really be like this, because this is the rare exception, not the norm. But that is ok because the reality can be good too - family life, busy life, children, pets, parents, and trying to make your house a welcoming home can be more satisfying than a life wasted on one long endless tropical beach.
But those small private moments are important too. Waking up slowly on a Sunday morning with your husband is how it should be. Having that moment ruined by your husband's ex wife on speaker phone as one of the step children wanders into your bedroom with the phone is not how it should be. Ah! The rich tapestry of family life!

Strange but true

Sometimes life just seems odd. This morning the milkman left us three tins of dog food instead of three pints of milk. We don't even have a dog.

The Look of Love

My husband has just downloaded Dusty Springfield singing "The Look of Love" for me. He knows that at that moment in the evening when the bottle is nearly finished and the hour is late it is the song that I will want to sing along to. He never forgets the first time that I sang this to him in a pub when we were first together - not a karaoke moment, just a quiet, private song in the corner of a busy pub. I would be the first to admit that I cannot sing, at least not in tune, and I try not to inflict my attempts at singing on anyone but this is the exception, I can't help myself if it is playing, and he makes sure it keeps playing.

Annoyed? Me? Never!

I am trying to work this one out - it is 10am and I have got up, put the washing on, put the dishwasher on, and started cooking breakfast for three hungry children who are all demanding different food from me whilst my husband hides in the bathroom. So halfway through cooking enough hot cross buns to sink a battleship, whilst being heckled by 3 kids (who are all old enough to get their own breakfast, quite frankly), I suddenly thought "What am I doing?" and went on strike. You see the thing is it annoys me on a normal weekend that I work all week and then feel like the housemaid on the weekend, but today is Mothering Sunday and I am still waiting for my card. Or at least for someone to say "Happy Mother's Day"! Thank God it is back to work tomorrow!

Modern Life!

9.30pm Friday night. Soooo tired. Why was I never this tired fifteen years ago?

To Prune or not.

It is a Sunday, and, as with most Sundays, it is definitely not a day of rest. For us Sunday is a day of preparation, not relaxation, as the hoovering, dusting, cleaning, washing, shopping all get done in readiness to face another week at work and school.

And just as the house gets its general tidy and polish, it is also a day when I get to spend more than a quick two minutes looking at myself in the mirror to assess what up-keep I might need. Mostly this involves cleaning the things that should be there and removing the things that shouldn't! And as I pluck, shave or wax I always remember someone saying once that you can aways tell what a woman's pubic hair is like by the state of her eyebrows. I suppose it makes sense - if you don't bother to neaten up that which is on public display you are hardly likely to neaten up that which is hidden away!
And just for the record, I would like to think that my eyebrows are trim and shapely. Plucked, yes, but not too much - surely a little hair is better than nothing at all!

Notes on modern life update

When I started this blog it was partly to try to understand why my life, and the lives of my friends, had turned out to be so different from our parents'. We seemed to be the generation that failed, with relationships that didn't last and values that didn't quite fit with the middle-class English upbringing we had all had. When I wrote about my parents and their friends at my wedding I could see them in my minds eye - couples who seemed to have been together forever, who had brought up children in a traditional way, who had owned family homes in suburban streets and had considered education, manners and a sense of duty to be the important things in life. Their lives had seemed so gentle, predictable and stable in comparison to ours - for them there was none of the trauma of divorce, none of the complications of step-families, none of the betrayal of trust. And I suppose I had partly envied the fact that they did not seem to have needed to be so independent, so self-sufficient, so thick skinned as we have needed to be.
But since my wedding something has changed. My parents are no longer young and in the last six months several of those friends who were at my wedding have died.
In September my Dad's oldest friend died. He had been terminally ill with cancer for many years so it was not unexpected. But still it was a shock. Then, within a few weeks, another friend died of cancer, this time it was unexpected leaving the family unable to quite believe that he was no longer there. A month later and another death, an operation that hadn't gone quite to plan but again a death ultimately due to cancer.
We always believe that bad news comes in threes and so my parents hoped that they would not be attending another funeral for a while. But yesterday they heard that another friend has cancer and test results have shown that there is no hope of treatment. She is only 56.
For my parents these are a sobering reminder that life does not last forever. For me I realise how precious life is and how quickly it passes. I refuse to dwell on times when life has not been as it should - it has made me what I am and has given me the strength to deal with whatever the future holds and has also made me appreciate the times when things are good. It is inescapable and one day I know that I too will have to deal with a personal loss but perhaps having led lives that have proved more challenging we will be better equipped to cope with it. Or maybe not, only time will tell.

A favourite place

I am looking forward to returning to Salt's Mill next week, it is one of my favourite places. When I think of it I think of the way its history seems to invade the building, giving it a timeless quality which is very humbling. The sense of space there is awe inspiring - brick built and cavernous with the sort of dimensions that remind me of the vast cathedrals built centuries ago. But unlike any Cathedral this was a place built for industry, it does not hide behind a facade of gilt and fancy finishes but displays its rough edges proudly. But most of all I think of the smell of brick and dust and heady scented air emanating from the sculptural vases of white lilies. And as in the past I will pause a while, aware that I am just one of many who have stood in this building, and feel privileged to be in such a magnificent place.

The laws of attraction

Someone at work asked "What makes a man attractive?". There came to mind all the throwaway radio-poll answers such as a tight bum, a nice smile, lovely eyes, but for me it is less about the physical and more about the cerebral. And more than anything what makes a man attractive is how he makes me feel when I am with him.
I have to admit I have always had a thing about older men. I find the vanity of youth very off-putting, but there is something very alluring about a man whose imperfections and ageing show that he has lived a full life and could teach me a thing or two! Experience and the desire to slowly enjoy every moment (after all, why the hurry?) are a heady mix for me. And, despite being a modern woman with an independent life and a good career, I have to admit that the sense of being in control that an older man brings to a relationship is enough to make me weak at the knees. It is not that I want to be patronised or treated like a child but if I don't have to worry about the detail, such as booking hotels or restaurants, then I feel more able to concentrate on being the glamourous and feminine woman I am sure I could be!

Pleasure

To feel pleasure is an amazing thing. To give pleasure is one thousand times better, especially when it leaves the recipient grinning from ear to ear!

A January fantasy

Wouldn't it be wonderful to laze in the arms of a lover on a warm day in a tropical climate. To feel the hours slow so much that time seems to stop. To sink into a cool pool for a slow swim before returning to my lover, where he can kiss and carress my sunkissed skin. I can smell the warmth and I can almost feel it too, but sadly it is January and my cold, damp grey world seems a million miles away from the fantasy!